I am someone who holds myself accountable for a lot. I published a book last year. So, my goal for this year was to publish two books. I lost 144lbs last year so my goal for this year was to loss another 150lbs. I tend to set goals and not celebrate them once they are reached. In fact, I convince myself that the goal must not have been set far enough out since I’ve reached it. There is a price to this behavior.
The price I pay for this behavior is complete implosion. I haven’t written anything that I am comfortable with in months. The story I started has morphed into a personal walk down memory lane. So much so that I have had to put the story in a drawer and will leave it there while I find another piece to work on.
I am so twisted inside that I am eating my emotions and my failures. I see the weight creeping back on slowly. It is funny to me that people are so quick to talk about my weight loss but will just stare with pity at my body as I am putting weight back on. Certainly, I don’t know if its pity, I completely admit to projecting.
Here’s a news flash, I don’t want you to comment on my body either way. It’s my body!!!! If I look nice … FANTASTIC, say that.
Back to the morning … I have a lot of work to do this morning to prep for Rust City next week. I am nervous about my appearance at my first signing. More stress. More eating. I go in to make coffee … my favorite thing. I always add the Splenda while the Keurig is doing its thing. NO SPLENDA. Ok, I can survive. I reach in for the half and half. I begin to pour it in the non-sweetened coffee and five drops drip into the cup. FIVE DROPS!! Now, let me quickly say, I am the only one that drinks coffee in my house. TEARS!!!!!!
How … How … How could have forgotten to get Splenda and half & half at the store yesterday?
On a normal day, I would just laugh. Hop in my car and head to Quality Dairy for both and start my day. It is not a normal day. It is the day of my overthinking all of the goals I will not reach and the backsliding I have down and the self-sabotage I am still participating in and the nervousness I am feeling and the failures I am feeling and it’s hot. It is the day I needed my coffee with Splenda and half & half.
The paragraph below was written at work last week. Food addiction sucks. Drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc. addiction you can remove yourself completely from the situation. Food will ALWAYS be part of your life. It sucks.
This is for me … NEVER QUIT!! Today, I woke up feeling extra fat again. I mean, I am over 300lbs so I am morbidly obese but today I felt every single pound weigh down on my body. I haven’t been exercising. I hurt myself a while ago and my knee is still messed up. My eating is completely out of control. Like scary. I have slipped back into my previous behavior of eating without out thought and care. I am sabotaging myself to the point to real danger. This morning, I hurt. So today, I have started to slowly take control. Every hour is a struggle. I was in the shower thinking about the bagel sandwich I would purchase when I got to work because I was running late. I stopped myself immediately and took the time to make a shake before I left for work. Now, I am hungry again. It would be easy to attack a breakfast sandwich but I know that at 11am … just 47 minutes from now … the restaurant next door will open. I will be able to purchase a side of deboned chicken for $3. 46 minutes. I am a food addict. I am now trying to take control back and this is what it looks like. 44 mins. Today will be a rough day but I am going to really try my hardest to NEVER QUIT. I have stumbled and I am GETTING BACK UP.
Three forty nine