When you walk through the day feeling blah, snarky and ready to punch someone/anyone in the throat the best thing to do is lock yourself in your office. That’s how I’m feeling today. I don’t know what is eating at me but I’m feeling shitty.
Then comes the guilt …
If I am ever down, sad or angry there is a large part of me that feels guilty. I think of myself as an encourager, motivator or just the one who will greet you with a smile. If my facial expression isn’t easily turned upside down my staff begins to come unglued. “What’s wrong? Why are you mad? What did we do?” All phrases that can be heard if and when I’m feeling a bit off.
Today, I’m off. This is a different type of ‘off’ as I’ve struggled with depression and can typically feel when I’m circling the drain of grey. This isn’t that. Maybe it is. Whatever it is … I don’t like it.
I guess the question I have is how do I fix it. A night of bad decisions and regret? That might help for the moment but I might feel worse in the morning.
More self-care? Seriously, I couldn’t reach my toes to paint them. Number two on the list … Bubblebath. Here’s something that most people probably don’t know. Large people do not fit comfortably in standard size bathtubs. Here’s a fun fact, after losing one hundred-sixty-five pounds, I still don’t fit comfortably in my bathtub. All I can say about that experience is A) I need to lose a few more pounds before I am able to enjoy a relaxing bath B) thank the stars above I wasn’t doing a vblog because that wasn’t a graceful display.
I moved right along to the third item on the self-care ideas list … meditation. To be fair, I’ve tried this in the past. BUT … new year, new experiences. Guys, meditation is hard. I didn’t attempt to get into the meditation seated position because I didn’t want to tip over. I sat on my bed, closed my eyes with soothing background and tried to clear my mind. Guess what?!? MY MIND IS FILLED WITH USELESS SHIT.
Yep. I thought about everything in the world in the ten minutes I worked on meditation. It kind of went like this …
-this is nice
– this music doesn’t seem right
– stop thinking
– I wonder if Madame Secretary recorded
– coffee sounds delicious
– you drink too much coffee
– OMG … stop thinking
– I wonder what number four is on the list
– GEEZZZ … stop thinking
– sugar plum cheese danish
– Dang … it hasn’t even been two minutes yet
– stop thinking
– I should be editing
I’m sure you’re getting the idea. Meditation is hard.
NOTE: I wrote this post on Thursday and today I’m feeling much better. I spent the entire day yesterday laying on my bed watching West Wing on Netflix. It was heavenly. I will continue down the self-care ideas checklist this week but I think I may have found one thing that works for me … spending hours with President Bartlet. YAY!!
This is what I was going for with the bubblebath … it was nothing like this. Think … man, is she going to be able to get out of there.